I have heard it today again, at least two times: let go!
It’s a nice advice: how do I do it? And I am questioning and torturing myself in search for the right answer.
Have you ever seen a child willing to give up his favorite toy?
Have you ever seen a bird cheering when loosing its feathers in a long flight?
Have you ever seen a romantic letting go of his dreams?
Have you ever seen a perfectionist settling with less than perfection without being tormented by the feeling of business half done?
Have you ever seen a sportsman surrender without reaching the finish line?
Have you ever felt the curse of the ‘last bastion’ that needed to be conquered by you?
How do you let go? And what is it there to be let go? Dreams? Expectations? Projections? Control?
I cannot let go of my dreams.
I want to dream, big! I want something to hold on to into my life, at least for a period of time until I decide I want to make myself some other dream and then I start pursuing it. I will not abandon my dreams!
I would like not to have expectations, and yet I have.
I interpret, I assess, I order, I arrange, I dislocate, I recompose information, I add context, I change background, I pour perspectives into my mix so that I can reach a desirable outcome for me. They might not be the same expectations as the ones of the old guy next door, let alone those of my close friends, but they are a continuation of myself, good or bad, dark or light. How do I deny them without being untruthful to myself? How can I ignore them? Or abandon them?
I have been taught to always picture the next level, to project.
The walk does not stop after the first step. The firmer you advance, the more lucid the aim. At some point in the adventure you do not doubt your goals, you try to achieve them. Why would I let my horizons fade away? I need highlights. I need to visualize where I am going to. The destination is probably never the one I was heading to, to start with.
So I dream, and I expect to fulfill my dream, as I project it in my mind…
I hate being controlled, and I love being in control. I hate feeling insecure when controlled. I love feeling self-assured when in control.
Yet, one day:
The child will learn to share his favorite toy…
The bird will say good-bye to the feather falling from the skies on the restless waves of the ocean…
The romantic will find someone to dream with and enjoy the drunken elation of being in love…
The perfectionist will find joy in his endeavors and will enjoy the becoming of things and not the numbers attached to success percentage…
The sportsman will shake hands with his opponent: the battle is no longer worth the effort. He will spare his strength for far more important challenges he is ready to dream about…
The last bastion will loose its inner intricate significance when the dream changes, when the expectation is lowered, when the projection is not attractive enough…
I might even understand that there’s nothing of mine in this world,
That my dreams and expectations and projections are mere courtesy of the Universe.
I do not own, I do not possess, I do not control.
I will let go!
Because this is the way life goes no matter what I dream, expect, project or want to control.